Phobia Mania

Everyone has fears in life.  Some drive them to protect themselves from vicious, rabid dogs with their stroller-bound child.  Others (who not fully convinced of the mortality of stinging insects) make relieve their fears by giving their victims Tupperware coffins and a sub-zero grave.  And  me?  Spiders.  Furry, pincher-clad, long-legged–whatever shape or size, they give me the heebie jeebies (especially the ‘Hulk Hogans’ of the Dominican Republic).   So how do I deal with my fear?  I thought I would share a few tried and true methods for ridding your life of spiders Kira-style.

1) Household cleaners.   The most potent, least earth-friendly that you can find.   Stand back, turn the nozzle, and unload.  Once the intended targeted begins to shrivel, hold your fire and wait (there are some resilient, mutant multi-legged friends still running out there).  Once you are convinced your victim has passed on, leave it.  It is sure to disintegrate or be eaten by the dog.

2) Projectiles.  Find a shoe (preferably not your own), a book, or anything heavy enough to splatter the spider’s anatomy in a way that would inspire even Jackson Pollock.  Make sure to keep your distance, aim carefully, and release the object with force.  Be careful not to miss–anyone who has seen Arachnophobia knows well the vengeful spirit of arachnids.

3) Vacuum attachments.  For those hard-to-reach basement rafter dwellers, there is no better option.   And while you’re at it, might as well suck up any near-by egg sacks and webs (for preventative measures).  When finished, have someone (boyfriends are good for this) empty your bag and make sure no lurkers are left living.

Good night and may all your itsy bitsy spiders suffer myocardial infarctions on their way down the water spout 😉

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2 Responses to Phobia Mania

  1. Alex says:

    You left out your number one defense against spiders: “ALLLL!!! There’s a spider!!!!! Kill it! Kill it!”

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